October 2021

On the topic of babies. You know that feeling when you first fall in love and you feel addicted to another person and in some ways it is almost too much, overstimulating and all consuming? When you see your baby for the first time or maybe the 10th time or maybe even before you actually see them, something in you changes, you fall in love with something that changes who you are at your core and that addiction, that overwhelming sense of perfection and belonging and beauty, it lasts forever. Even in the shit times when life feels overwhelming and exhausting and impossible. It is still there. 

My brother recently asked me about having children, about how it is and what it is like. Staring at parenthood from the outside is like watching a free fall without a stopping point. As parents we know the chaos is there, we know it is all consuming, we know it effects those around us who we love and wish we could deliver a calm environment even when we can’t and we accept the reality that is before us, the reality of raising tiny humans. I look at my girls and I want them to have everything and in the same moment I am saddened by those things I never had and the two emotions bind this intense sensation in my stomach that makes me stronger, makes me get up every day and do it over and over again. I made a choice, I made a promise and I made a vow to myself, my partner, my children and the world that I will dedicate all of who I am (as much as I can give without losing myself) and I will make these tiny humans into incredible human beings.

One of my daughters teachers recently had a baby girl and she is terrified. It was unplanned, it was scary and it was not in her plan. I was thinking about her and what a life change that is when you are not expecting it and then I realized that even when you are, expecting it that is, it catches you off guard, throws curveballs and delivers you moments you never though possible. The reality of parenting is no different than anything else you tackle for the first time. Of course it is terrifying, you have no training, you have no way of knowing how it will turn out and you have never done it or attempted it before. The thing is that each of us has it in us, we just have to know where to look to find it and sometimes when we look at ourselves and turn over those leaves of strength we also find fear and anger, past experiences that challenge or hurt us and even disappointment in ourselves. So remember, life is not about what we have done perfectly. Life is about what we have fumbled on, what we have messed up and how we have risen to the occasion despite that.