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I think COVID broke my mom setting 

As parents we have many roles that we play each day. The simple concept of what we need to accomplish in a 24 hour period is almost laughable. I will not resonate with everyone on this topic simple because what we each do day-in and day-out is so different that there is no actual comparison. I will hope that the concept of what I am saying helps you to feel …normal? I really am asking you as my readers for advice here because sometimes even those of us who are so tuned in and so focused end up on the floor balling their eyes out in their in-laws house because their children are so loud, how are they this loud! So how do you do it? How do you wake up in the morning and look at those sleepy eyes only to fall in love all over again and yet know that come 7:30pm tonight your house will be a war zone. There will be shrapnel in the form of toys and pee soaked panties, sweatshirts used as napkins and unfleshed toilets, piles of sand on the floor, food on the counters and unforeseen water spills in the middle of the floor. That reminds me, there is spilled milk on the rug….I should probably tend to that. SO I am really asking you, my readers, to share their stories, their parenting woes, and wins and battles to the bedtime. Send them to autumn@familyfactor.org.

HOW PARENTS CAN MAKE MONEY AND GET FIT WALKING DOGS

​(Thank you to my guest writer, LACIE MARTIN)
If you’re a parent, you probably weren’t expecting that having children would slim your wallet and send you up a few pant sizes. As Lifehacker contributor Melanie Pinola observes, even dads struggle with gaining weight after having kids. And while you may have known that having children is expensive, recent estimates show parents spend an average $233,610 on child costs from birth until the age of 17. Many parents are unprepared for the costs of things like diapers and daycare. 
 
Lately, the term “side hustle” has grown in popularity as people young and old alike utilize the gig economy to connect them with freelance work. Side gigs allow people to build a sizable nest egg on top of what they make from their 9-to-5 job. Parents can benefit from these jobs as they come with flexible hours that can be accommodating for the busy schedule associated with raising children. One side gig, in particular, can have the double bonus of helping new parents get back in shape while making extra money: dog walking. Family Factor presents some things you should know before accepting a dog-walking gig.
 
The Benefits of a Dog Walking Side Gig
 

• Walking dogs is great exercise. You can burn 200 to 250 calories per hour, depending on your weight and speed. 
  
  
• A dog walker living in an urban area can make $12 to $15 for a 30-minute walk and $20 to $25 for a 60-minute walk. One dog walker estimates she makes an average of $600 a month by walking two or three dogs a day for about an hour and a half each day.
  
  
• When you work as a dog walker, you get to know people in your area as you care for their precious pooch. This increased socialization is a welcome change for new parents who spend most of their time communicating in baby talk. 
  
  
• Dog walking gets you outside where you can enjoy all the benefits of fresh air and sunshine. 
  
  
• Walking dogs is also good for you psychologically. It helps manage stress and reduces feelings of anxiety and loneliness. 

 
Starting a Dog Walking Business
 
In order to start your own dog walking business, you’ll need money to establish a web presence, market costs, and insurance. You’ll also need to register your business with the state, though you can use formation services to guide you through the process. Also, keep in mind that if you intend to operate your business using a name that’s different from the one you registered, you’ll need a DBA name, which will require you to file more paperwork. Again, you can use online services to assist you.
 
As a business owner, you’ll also need to network. There are currently several apps with the sole purpose of connecting dog owners to walkers and caretakers. These apps are convenient for people just getting started because they do their own advertising and have already established a built-in clientele. Unfortunately, these companies also take a generous slice of your earnings. 
 
If you have the connections and motivation, it is totally possible to start your own dog walking business without the help of an app. With your own company, you are responsible for your own marketing. The good thing is you don’t have to reach out to people nationally -- just to dog owners in your immediate area. Instagram is a great platform you can use to reach nearby dog lovers; people love scrolling through photos of cute, snuggly pups. However, it’s important to choose the right hashtags so your exposure is effective. 
 
New parents can make extra cash while getting in some exercise by picking up an active side gig like dog walking. Not only can you make money while burning calories, but you also get the emotional and psychological benefits of being around dogs and spending time outdoors. When starting your dog walking business, you can either use a third-party app to connect with clients or do the work yourself. While apps make things easier, they also charge fees for every dog you walk. Meanwhile, starting your own business is a lot more work, but you have more control and it is more profitable in

Love the one you are with 
When you love someone completely, you realize that love is not measured by happiness alone. If it were….we would all be screwed. Love is an investment, it is time and compromise and fear and beauty and frustration, all rolled up into a confusing word that doesn’t begin to explain it. My daughter loves to play a little verbal game of “I love you the most” with me and it makes me giggle every time. As a child, the love you have for your parents is unwavering, regardless of treatment, a child looks to their parent for the early years with no judgment, an open heart and completely bias adoration. I know what most of you are thinking, and yes, they act like they don’t hear a word you say and treat you like hired help, ignore 90% of the words coming out of your mouth and make your life as hard as humanly possible sometimes but I am telling you, they love you unconditionally. ‘

As a parent we get a blank check for love and it isn’t fair, we really do nothing to deserve it other than forfeit everything we are. Really though, we are handed this adoration, this love and this pedestal and this fact alone is what makes me work so hard to earn what I was given for free. My daughter looks at me with her half toothed smile (the tooth fairy has been very busy!)  and her big blue eyes and says “I love you more mommy” and all I can do is smile. I smile and I hold her and I kiss her golden curls and I close my eyes to breath in this moment. Love is one of the most malleable words in the English dictionary, it has no real meaning and yet it means everything. What love is to a child can change from day to day, and what love is can be taught, taken away, stolen, given or even manufactured. Yet when I remember being a child, the feeling of loving my parents is so pure, nothing preventing me from falling in completely to the memory of being a child, adoring my parents and just needing them to love me as much as I loved them. In my tiny egotistical mind I can imagine thinking “I create art for them and make my bed, why can they not love me as much as I love them?” And now as a parent I look at my beautiful girls and cannot even begin to explain how I never knew love until I saw their faces. So my darlings, I know you love me more and yet you will never know, until you know, that I love you most. 

Love in a way that is internal and external all at once, has no limits and has no end. I do not know what life looks like with a teenage girl and I do not know what life looks like as a parent of a parent and yet I know I will love these little girls the most, forever and ever, to the moon and back, without fail, without question and without pause. There is so much advise to give and so many pieces of the parenting puzzle to discover so for today, just love them, even when you want to scream, remember the beauty and remember the pedestal and love because you can and because they do, without question.

I recently accompanied a small group of friends and family into an escape room, it was quite an event. The escape room was a blast, we made it out with moments to spare and I felt comforted in the laughter of friends and family around me. I began reflecting on my role as a mom, as I always do, and I realized that being in an escape room is not much different than being a parent. Just go with me here, I think you might get a few laughs from it if nothing else. 
Here I was, locked in a room with my parents and my husband, along with a few friends and we were lead into that room by people who acted like it was just another ordinary day for them (just like those nurses and doctors who act like what you are about to go through aka delivering a baby is just another day at the office for them). We are strapped to the wall…literally…ladies, if you have delivered in a hospital maybe you know what I am getting at here and we were told that everything we needed was within arms reach. Okay so here we are, eight adults and we are given a challenge which none of us have gone through before and we know it will be okay, and we also know that we have one another to lean on and that we will work together. Just like in parenting, there are clues all around you, there are clues literally staring you in the face and some of them you are like “yeah, that is a clue, and was really easy and I get it” and some clues you just don’t understand how anyone could ever think that item or phrase or code or process makes sense at all! 
In the end we came out victorious, and we did have to ask for help a few times and I know that drove my husband crazy, asking for help, admitting you can’t do it on your own, god that is frustrating and defeating and sounds just like …..parenting. Now, the people running this escape room told us this was the hardest challenge of their facility and told us that most people ask for help. We knew the odds were stacked against us and we knew that the goal, which was getting out of the room, was going to be easier if we just asked for help to guide us. Not that we did not want to be challenged or work to do it on our own but we understood that we could either suffer and ask for nothing or flourish and ask for hints. The sheer comparability of this experience with parenting was incredible to me. 
We are told that parenting will be hard and challenging and we all know going in that there are people around us, watching us, who want to help and who are there for the sole purpose of helping and yet, especially us mothers, we seem to push through and choose the road that causes so much stress and anxiety because the feeling of failure in asking for help is crippling. Now if I were in a more philosophical mood I would talk about the cultural impact of this result and how our society puts pressures on us that result in this kind of outcome but alas, I am not in a philosophical mood so I will leave it at that. 

What I will say though and perhaps it is obvious by now or maybe it will catch you off guard as it did me when I first thought of it. Let’s pretend that there is no-one to let you out of that escape room, there is no magic “they” listening or watching who can let you escape at any point. When we are parenting we know that the result is these children will become adults and we know that they will all eat their meals and tie their shoes, brush their teeth and comb their hair. If nothing else, the social pressure will catch up to them and they will do it out of an obligation they feel from their peers. So logically we all know that the efforts we put in of repeating ourselves, sculpting their routine and pressuring their rhythm will all eventually smooth out when they hit puberty…or their 30’s, but that is not why we do it. We don’t do it because we fear it won’t happen, we do it because those small moments are building blocks. We are shaping tiny humans into adults and it is not about being able to tie their shoes and have minty fresh breath, it is not about having clean underwear and being able to see their bedroom floor though all the clutter. It is knowing that we are sending them into their lives, their own escape rooms and if we do not teach them how to navigate, look for tools and understand when and where to ask for help, we are placing them in a room without the tools to get out. 
For some that room might be our minds, and the need to understand how to escape from our own throughs might be lifesaving. For others that room might be a relationship, intimate or otherwise that needs tools to navigate. For some it might be a living situation, an academic setting or a real threat. Whatever it is, we right now as parents are in our own parenting escape rooms and it is true, everything we need is within reach and we will walk through the door at the end and watch our children grow up and who they are will be in part dedicated to the clues we found, the tools we used and the processes we went through. So ask for help, share your laughter, your frustration and your experiences with all those around you because you as a parent are both the teacher and the student and the more you share, the more others know and the more we know collectively, the better prepared we are for whatever comes next.

Music, a thing that brings joy to all of us, young or old, no matter what emotion, there is a song or a melody that carries each one of us. Perhaps some of us sing along to Broadway musicals while others of us need the soothing tunes of heavy metal but whatever your tune, when you hear it, there is a comfort in its familiarity and in the space it takes up in each of us. As a mother, I often feel like the orchestrator of a large musical ensemble and while the sound I produce is enriching and beautiful it can also feel overwhelming. 

Everything in life has a rhythm and a speed to it and sometimes parenting can feel like being a conductor. Some times being a mother can feel like holding up the entire show with the knowledge that if you stop or sit down or take a break to pee or even sneeze, the entire orchestra might fall apart and your beautiful life song might either come to a screeching halt or become a chaotic parody of the song you have been trying so hard to write. Now I know I get off topic quite often and I know metaphors can be a bit …long but I sometimes find these little comparisons help me to remember that life is just a song, it has high notes and low notes and sometimes there are awkward long pauses but the truth is that even when the chaos begins, we know it will end and we know our sweet song will eventually find its way back to us. 

I have come to appreciate the silence in my own musical ensemble, which is something I never appreciated before. Silence used to be a void that needed to be filled and now the silence, the break in the music, is just as beautiful as the music itself and can sometimes feel just as rich and textured. Motherhood and parenting is so textured with layers upon layers of emotion, feelings, improv and troubleshooting. In some ways it feels like from the moment you become a mother the world begins throwing curveballs at you from 360 degrees and 24 hours a day. Perhaps not in a steady stream but there is no longer a time or a place where chaos cannot consume you at any moment. 

Remember the days when laying poolside to work on your perfect tan was the days only work so that the outfit you have perfectly laid out in your room will look as good as it can on your sun kissed skin and the new heels (HA!) will allow you to dance the night away? Well now a days I am happy if one shoulder gets tan while I sit and wait for my girls to finish their swim lessons and my heels are like old friends which I say hello to when I uncover them from the back of the closet. These times from the past are usually uncovered in my mind when the right song comes on and I can close my eyes and for a moment be there again, with the sun and the pool and my 20 something soundtrack and within a split second I have tiny arms wrapped around my leg and the sweetest song starts playing in my ears “mommy, mommy, happy home, mommy”. To know I am exactly where I want to be, even when the chaos is overwhelming, is the greatest gift of all.

In high school I was asked what song best described my life and I responded “It’s my party and I will cry if I wan’t to” which seems so ultimately naive now that I look back on it. So I want to ask all of you today and now, what song best describes your life? Feel free to respond to me with answers or just keep them for yourself, but whatever it is, play it loud on repeat, put those heals on and start dancing. 

​There are a plethora of reasons why nature-deficit disorder is quickly becoming a trending topic. This unofficial diagnosis is one way that experts communicate the problems associated with poor urban planning, reliance on technology, and a diminishing emphasis on time spent outdoors. Unfortunately, all of these are harmful to both adults and children alike, but there are ways to combat this ever-growing problem.
 
Spending time outside is the cure for nature-deficit disorder. This does not mean that you have to devote every waking hour under the sun, but you should plan for ample outdoor time every single day as weather permits. Even if you only take a stroll around the neighborhood, every moment you expose yourself and your children to fresh air and sunshine puts you one step closer to beating this disease of modern times. Below, you’ll find several ideas on how to push your new outdoor agenda, brought to you by FamilyFactor.org.
 
Things to Do in Your Backyard
 
When you want to spend more time outdoors, you really don’t have to look beyond your own backyard to get started. The following tips and resources will help you and your family discover the many things you can do without leaving home.
 
9 Great Outdoor Learning Activities for Springtime
How to Grow Strawberries Successfully in Containers
8 Photo Projects in Your Own Backyard
Teach Your Child How to Ride a Scooter in 10 Simple Steps
10 Fun and Unusual Ways to Play Tag
 
Things to Do Beyond Your Backyard
 
Of course, you don’t have to stay in your own backyard if you don’t want to! There’s an entire world out there that’s ready to explore. The following resources can help you discover things you can do when you’ve had enough of your own yard.
 
Astronomy for Beginners: How to Get Started with Stargazing
How to Make Hiking Fun with Kids
4 Tips When Mountain Biking with Your Child
Introducing Kids to Fishing
Five Outdoor Volunteering Opportunities to Help Give Back in the Sun
 
With the above ideas, you don’t have to suffer a deficit of nature. And neither do your children. So get ready to enjoy life in the sunshine and all of the health benefits that go along with it.

Twice a day for 15 miles I look in my rearview mirror and I see little pigtails, swaying to Raffie, bouncing along to every perfectly silly lyric and in that moment there is nothing more perfect to look at. I could drive for hours just knowing that I can look in my rearview mirror and see little pigtails swaying back and forth, up and down.

 know I write about the swiftness of time and the element of awareness around looking back one day and knowing how precious these moments are. I like to share these simple moments because it is a reminder of how the complexity of it all can be boiled down to nothing more than tiny pigtails blowing in the breeze. So when something that simple can bring so much pure joy into my life, I feel as though every hard, exhausting, mind-breaking moment is absolutely worth it.

Take a moment today and look in your rearview mirror so that you will always have a moment to remember.

I have been thinking over these last (almost) 12 months, about the changes we have all been required to make in order to assume this new role of pandemic parenthood. It has not been easy, as we all know. For some of us there have been devastating outcomes to personal health, loved ones, mental health or job security. Never before have we as a global nation been able to empathize with one another without borders, judgment or the capacity of not knowing. None of us know what COVID 19 is doing to our lives, we all know that the outcomes will long surpass what we can fathom and we all know that life has become normal while at the same time has become intolerable. Trying to accept what is has been part of my mindfulness throughout this pandemic because I felt I had no other choice. I have referenced this before and had I only known how relevant it might be I would have waited to analyze the theory but here it is again. Sometimes you can’t go over things, sometimes you can’t go under things, sometimes you just have to go though things. While I wish I were only reading lines from Going on a Bear Hunt, I am unfortunately talking about life. In life we find many ways to convince ourselves that being in control is actually possible because often times with money, resources or time you can indeed find a way over, around or under the situation you find yourself in. Right now in this moment I want you to close your eyes (maybe finish this sentence first) and take a deep breath in, focusing on filling your lungs and silently, or not silently say “fuck”. Okay, that was a big word, I know and I actually just bought myself a sweatshirt that says “good moms say bad words” because while my husband and I do not use strong words as a practice, around our children, there are just some situations that welcome, warrant and need a strong word in order to express the situation at hand. 

We have been locked inside our lives for almost a year, friends and relatives are filing for divorce, people are literally losing their jobs, homes and lives, people are abusing alcohol and drugs, children are being impacted academically, socially and emotionally in ways we do not understand and to me, that warrants a well thought out, calm and deep breath surrounded “fuck”. Okay so we have it, we have said it, we have identified it and now what…? Hmmm, the question that no-one can answer because there is no answer. What a puzzle this is, we always have answers. There is either a person, a place or a thing that can fix everything. Your college boyfriend is being a jerk, answer - best friend and bar hopping. Your kids are stressing you out beyond measure, answer- send them to the babysitter and hit the spa or put on a movie and go take a bath with a glass of wine. Right now, the ability to get what we need or get what we want from the world is very limiting and that can feel oppressive and scary so I thought about it and I realized there is one thing I can control. I can control my output, I can control my thought process around what is happening and I can control my actions towards the situation I find myself in. Now don’t get me wrong, I have had my fair share of temper tantrums and they were not pretty but life is a journey, that was part of my journey and here is where I find myself. 

What I realized was that my biggest passion lies in the union of home and education. I fundamentally believe that if children are able to be supported, feel supported and learn from a place that doesn’t feel disconnected from their home life, that children will be able to learn more, learn faster and learn more foundational tools to build on through their academic life. Since I started my business five years ago I have wished for a way to try out this concept of really marrying together the home-school connection. So while I am not trying to say that COVID 19 has made my dreams come true, I am able to look at the current circumstances I am in and realize I have been handed a gift and one that I both asked for and am passionate about. So while the world does seem to be coming apart at the seams and while there are certainly a shortage of answers to the questions we all have about when and if this will all be over, I am trying to accept the gift I have been handed and allow myself to cherish this time with my children. 

The reality is that we will never again have this much time with our children and we will never again be able to be this involved in their academic lives and while it feels overwhelming now, we perhaps will look back and miss these moments of closeness. Just a thought, one which can be discarded but one I urge you to breath into, just to see where it lands. Sometimes the most simple answers are the ones hardest to see.

I recently had a friend share with me a very intimate moment of motherhood and the raw emotion that can come bursting out of us moms with almost no warning. At times, as a mother it can feel almost impossible that our children would not perceive our presence in our home space. We are always there, we are harping on or asking for or comforting with or demanding from or…always something and so it feels very natural to assume that our presence is a given at all times. My friend shared that her daughter, who is in kindergarten, was setting the table for dinner and held the last plate up while looking confused and trying to figure out who the “extra” plate was for. My friend, with absolute forfeiture in her voice reminded her daughter that it was for her, for mom, mommy, mother, the woman standing there, the human who had cooked the meal in the kitchen she had spent all day cleaning. 
I recently had a similar experience when my daughter made her list of who she wanted to buy presents for during the holidays and while the dog (and my brother’s dog) made the list, mom and dad were nowhere to be found. I looked at her list, her budding handwriting and her organization of who would be receiving something from her and the pride in this feeling of owning the gift giving. I knew there was no malice, I could see that she was genuine in her desire to give and be kind and share her love and compassion. So why had mom and dad been left off? And why had my friend’s daughter so easily and unceremoniously forgotten that her mother was the fourth spot at the table? The answer came to me so undramatically that I had to laugh at its truth. It is because we are there, we are there day in and day out. We are there for every moment, good and bad and in-between. We are there and our children know we are there. When they think of who is going to be at dinner or who should be receiving a show of gratitude they are thinking of those in their lives who come in and out, those they love and cherish because the moments with them are not dependable but rather scheduled or spontaneous and infrequent. 
You moms, and you dads are the ones who are there, we are always there and in the same way you never think to thank your hot water for just being there when you need it most, we are the dependable, stable people in their lives. They don’t remember us because they never have to imagine us not there. 

While it never feels good to be “forgotten”, I urge you to rebrand the idea of what it means when you aren’t the receiver of a gift or a shout out. It means that your child never has to imagine you missing. Trust me when I say that one day, your child will think to themselves, as they are frantic in the holiday splendor “okay, what do I need to get mom for Christmas” and “oh crap we need to buy an extra dining chair because mom and dad are coming for dinner and we are one chair short”. These moments will come, you will be named. There will come a time when you re no longer the constant in their lives. So I urge you to wear your forgotten badge of honor proudly, and know that that oversight of your tiny human is a reflection on your stability in their lives.

Have a happy New Year and may 2021 be a year of reflection, observance and acceptance of who we are, where we are and what we are to those around us.

Covid-ing with Kids
It’s time to quiet the noise and listen to your internal parenting voice. Right now the amount of external noise is deafening and you might even be finding yourself feeling “normal” in these abstractly abnormal times. Let’s get you back to center. 
Close your eyes

• When you think of your child where do you feel them?
  • In your heart?
  • In your chest?
  • In your womb?
  • In your mind?
• Think of a problem you are having right now
  • COVID
  • Politics
  • Social distancing
  • Fear of failure
  • School 
  • Work 
  • Holidays
  • Social norms
  • Environmental stresses
  • Racial disagreement
  • Loneliness
  • Feeling crowded
  • Overwhelm
  • Addiction
  • Your mental health
  • Your physical health
• Where do you feel this problem, this pain?
  • In your stomach?
  • In your back? 
  • In your heart?
  • In your chest?
  • In your throat?
  • In your mind?
• Now think of yourself and think of your child, hold that space for them and hold that space for you. Focus on the area you are holding that pain. 
  • What happens? Do you immediately start thinking about solving the problem? Where do these “solutions” come from?
    • Within you
    • External input
    • Facebook forums and polls
    • Friend’s and Family input
    • Your partners advice
    • Your mothers advice
    • Your fathers advice
    • Your child’s school/camp
• Now take three deep breaths and I want you to clear your mind. Envision your baby, your tiny new infant, cradled in your arms, sleeping and squeaking and smelling perfectly. Hold that image, hold that moment when everything was right there, exactly as it should be. I want you to hold that space and I want you to invite your problem area in. I want you to allow both your child and the problem to exist within you….
  • Now I want you to write down/say/hold in thought the first solution that comes to you. 
    • Why this answer?
    • Where did it come from?
    • It is simple or complicated?
    • Is it from you or from others?

This exercise is meant to be a practice of holding space, there is no right or wrong. It is meant to re-focus your worry, pinpoint the pressure points in your thoughts and in your physical being and bring an awareness to how we can get caught up in a moment and take control of that moment simultaneously.
A reminder that once upon a time (or perhaps this time for you is now) this perfect little being, in this perfect moment in time was overwhelming, engulfing and absolutely strengthening. Right now the world is overwhelming and the external static that fills the empty space of our mind is blinding and deafening.  This moment in time is also overwhelming, engulfing and absolutely strengthening. 


You are a parent and YOU are stronger than you know.